Sunday, 20 June 2010

Viva la (social) Revolution! Your guide to social etiquette in a post apocalyptic world.

I realise full too well that the start of the next sentence is going to make me sound like a French revolutionary.

But come the glorious day, brother, (told you), when the dead rise, and the living take up arms against the shambling, slightly smelly threat, we're going to go through some changes. In a world where you may find yourself shooting that nice old lady from two rooms down right between the red, unblinking eyes, and having no one thinking you need locking up for it, social conventions are not going to stay the same. So here's a few rules for that time to avoid that dreadful "someone just committed social death" awkward silence.

Sleepwalking is now even more awkward.

You've watched your friends and family die horribly to hordes of stumbling necrotic flesh, you're wary about anyone walking slowly and badly and seemingly not looking where they're going. Sleepwalking is currently just awkward and embarrassing. In case of zombie apocalypse? It involves your head being blown to delicious chunky salsa.

Suddenly, everyone loves the nutters.

You know that slightly weird kid who knows all sorts of weird things about making weapons, explosives, and surviving in odd circumstances? The one who seems to spend far too much time on the internet reading up on things? Well, firstly, wave when you next pass him sitting alone in his corner. That's me. Secondly, get ready to make him your new best friend, because he's got the skills and possibly the equipment needed to survive in this zombie-eat-dog-and-then-everything-else-world. Similarly, you know the great big scary guy in the leather jacket with the shaved head and tattoos? The one who's almost certainly got illegal guns somewhere? Your best friend number two.

The Three Amigos
Basically, if you ever see someone you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley, or someone wearing one of those "In case of zombie apocalypse, follow me" t shirts... follow them.

Romero will become God.

Back in the far distant past of 1968, George Romero released Night of the Living Dead, and gave our conciousness the idea of a zombie not just being the product of black magic. Due to the slight accident of forgetting to copyright the film and leaving it in the public domain, he attracted a wave of imitators, warning humanity of the threat to come. Should all this actually happen, what are the bets this man will become, at the least, a prophet - if not a God in his own right? Be prepared to run into nutty cults who end their sentences "Romero be praised!".

Oh, and one last thing:

However much you want to go there, stay away from the shopping malls.

Just remember, Max Brookes tells you how to avoid actual death with the Zombie Survival Guide. I tell you how to avoid social death. Together, we're a team.

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