Sometimes, I love my life.

Today, I achieved... well, not an ambition. You plan an ambition. I didn't know this was something I wanted to do until just after I did it.

Picture the scene. A quiet, small town corner shop, fairly newly open. It's eight o clock in the morning in the school holidays. There is no one else around as the owner contemplates taking tomatoes from the fresh fruit section and juggling them, something he's always wanted to do. When, suddenly, a mighty clatter arises as the door is slammed open, by the interpid passer by.

(I was not, sadly, wearing a cape at this point. To aid in the drama, imagine I was.)

The man has a wild look in his eyes. He has not shaved for several days, and looks as if he hasn't slept for them either. In one hand, he brandishes a cucumber from your own vegetable rack. He walks up to the counter with a purposeful gait, cloak that he isn't wearing billowing dramatically around his body from the draft from the door.

"This cucumber. Quickly."

His voice is gravelly and hoarse, like he's been gargling with gravel. Like he's a desperate man trying to be Don LaFontaine. Like he's a man who, at eight am on a Monday morning, knows he needs to buy a cucumber in a hurry and thinks he might as well make it cool.

He pays in cash. He thanks the man profusely, drops the cash into the charity box because he has no time to put it back in his wallet, and leaves the shop at speed, the cucumber held in the air.

I swear I bought this cucumber for a good reason. And not a sexual one, either;

And one day, I may tell you good people what that very good reason was.

Writing a big budget Hollywood action film - how hard can it be?

So then, Hollywood. We meet again. I have a project for you that requires your rising stars, your expert directors, and your copious amounts of magic explosions. Oh, and the ghost of Don LaFontaine.

The Scene? A top secret military facility, where they do military things.

The year? 2012.

The situation?

A highly intelligent Combat robot, capable of impersonating a human, has broken out from its containment facility. The robot has turned against its masters, and is living among the other soldiers in the base, picking them off one by one.

Only one man is capable of identifying the robot amongst the recruits - computer programmer and excellent robot recogniser Alan Turing.

The problem?

Alan Turing died in 1954. And only one man can get him back - the whacky scientist with a time machine who's too much of a loose cannon to be trusted with such an important task.

Prepare for a time travel horror based thought provoking hilarious buddy comedy that elaborates on the ultimate differences between man and machine.

Also, naked women and explosions. But not combined, because that doesn't work unless you prefer your women as a thin red mist sprayed over several walls.

I'm very hopeful for the project - I've had a lot of interest. Well, everyone I tell about it says "Oh, that's... interesting..." and then walks away quickly. I even talked to Steven Spielberg about it! He didn't say much, other than "Who are you?" and "How did you get into the backseat of my car? This is a moving vehicle!" but I think there's real potential here.

In a blog where the stakes are high...

Don LaFontaine is a man with one of the most recognisable voices of all time. Well, not right now. Right now, he's dead. But back in the long distant past of before September 1st 2008, his voice rang forth from speakers worldwide. Who was this man? This man was one of the greatest heroes of all cinema. (Besides anyone remotely involved in The Lion King, who I set aside on a personal level that cannot be touched by anything whatsoever. Ever.) Don LaFontaine was the man who did the voice for the trailers. Usually starting with "In a world..." or "This Summer...", he was how you knew you were at the cinema. (Besides the aroma of stale popcorn, darkness, comfy chairs, and big screen. Obviously.)

No one quite knows how his distinctive bass tones came into being. Some say he was the product of an illigetimate love affair between a tiger and a cement mixer. Some say that at the age of eleven, he removed his vocal chords, soaked them for a week in finest bourbon, and then reinserted them and gargled daily with gravel. Some say he found smoking so ineffective in keeping his demon-child tones, that he used to remove his lungs and paint them directly with tar. Some say a prophecy was made in ancient times that a man with a voice like thunder would shake the land of the silver screen, a man who would foretell what would be coming the following Summer, a man with the ability to look into the lives of hapless comedy protagonists, sum their misfortunes up in one sentence, and end... "Until now...". Possibly followed by a record needle scratching and the fast paced, upbeat music beginning.

However, his unique gravelly tones must have spawned a few problems. The temptation to lapse into clichéd phrases in uncomfortable situations must be enormours - not to mention the situations in which such deep and resonant tones may not be entirely appropriate. Imagine LaFontaine at a barbecue:

"In a world where the steaks are high..."

LaFontaine in a library:

"Mr LaFontaine? Would you mind being a little quieter?"

"In a world where the truth is kept silent..."

"What? Look, you're disturbing the other patrons."

"One man will discover they're out of copies of The Da Vinci Code."

"We can put you on the reserve list if you want?"

"On the way, he'll struggle against librarian adversity..."

"Honestly, Mr LaFontaine, if you don't lower your voice I may be forced to ask you to leave."

"... and the passive aggression that opressed a nation. He was always a mild mannered man..."

"If you don't get out, I'm calling security."

"...Until now."

At this point, LaFontaine's personal speakers start playing the rerecorded version"Lux Aeterna" from Requiem for a Dream (which plays in every trailer ever), he attacks the librarian from various camera angles, something blows up, there's a woman in a bikini, he dispatches the security guards with kung fu, there's a car chase (still in the library), and, finally, LaFontaine pumps his shotgun (which was probably in the stacks somewhere or other. They always have shotguns at libraries), says a witty one liner, and fires.

So, yes. I can see it being a problem.