Friday, 7 May 2010

In these troubled times...

So, to use the sensationalist term, "Britain woke up this morning to a hung parliament". Uncertainty about the election reigns supreme, etc, etc. It's fairly obvious what's going to happen, as a result of all the deal brokering and whispered conversations in Westminster: power will go to the political figure who has long craved for a real rise to the seat of government.

The Queen.

It's just what the old dame needs. She's been patiently planning for such a day: as the government gradually becomes less trusted with the whole "Expenses Scandal", and now there's uncertainty about who exactly will end up in charge. The machiavellian mistress of subterfuge will take advantage of the chaos and not invite anyone to form a government - in fact, she'll dissolve parliament. Completely.

Years of hanging onto the throne, refusing to give into her softer son, so she can complete this moment and restore the monarchy of Britain to it's former glory. Of course, there will be resistance. England's second great civil war will break out, all major political parties forming an alliance to remove the royalist threat to security. Nick Griffin will attempt to join with the royal family, saying they're the "britisher" side until he realises that the queen is essentially German and is married to a Greek, at which point he will briefly try to create a third side in the war and will then be utterly ignored.

Meanwhile, the Royalist base of operations will be Balmoral castle, defended by the cyborg-corgis Her Majesty has been preparing and arming with lasers for just such an event. Despite her advanced age, the Queen herself will be at the very centre of operations, issuing orders here, there, and everywhere. I can just imagine how they sound...

"Phillip, shoot them, shoot them! Look, dear, that one's foreign!"

"William, dear, I need you to purloin another helicopter, we have Tory Troopers incoming at Eight o Clock."

"No, Harry, dear, you can't rename the airforce the Luftwaffe. Just try to get the buggers who are assailing the North Wall, would you?"

"And Charles... just stay where you are and try not to get hurt, dear."

Of course, after many bloody battles, the war will come to a single combat standoff on a lonely Scottish moor - Gordon Brown, fully back to his Scottish roots, will be wielding a Claymore in an epic duel against the Queen herself.

Who will win? Well, you know what they say: there can only be one...

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